Because Didi has already patented ‘Ma, Mati, Manush’ under her Trinamool banner, Dugga Ma herself has decided to descend on Poshchim Bongo and remedy the error. So, coming back to my original question, what’s trending on Bangla Twitter, well phellows it’s this: Dugga Ma’s Cyber Makeover.

Chhi chhi, what did you say? Dugga Ma caught doing cybershex with Shib Thakur? Arrey baba, what a dumbo you are! How many times have you been to the Beltawla? Has your ghilu completely vapourised? I mentioned ‘makeover’ you moron, not ‘makeout’! Blaaddy phool. No English Vinglish, only bidghute Benglish.

So Bangla Twitter is abuzz with Dugga Ma’s extreme makeover: pujo edition. It’s a prime time show now, aired by ABP Ananda and 24 Ghanta. Dugga Ma gave a special interview to ABP Ananda’s Suman De, detailing her strategy to counter Didi’s relentless march towards India’s primeministarship. Dugga Ma has been reportedly very upset with Didi’s recent Facebook post: a painting depicting Dugga Ma wearing a sobuj-paar-shada-sari, in the true blue TMC colours. Ma has taken major umbrage to Didi’s mixing of religion with art; said it hurts Dugga Ma’s secular cross-party credentials.

Since Didi has also planned to disallow CPM supporters to participate in the pujo, buy new clothes, perform pushpanjalis, and most gruesome of all, prevent them from devouring thala after thala of khichuri and laabra during bhog, there is a possibility that Dugga Ma might be boycotting the TMC-sponsored pujos herself. This has been suggested to Dugga Ma by the triad of Suman De, Kabir Suman and Soumitra Chatterjee, who have lately discovered a devoutly religious streak in them. Kabir Suman has even advised Dugga Ma to convert to Islam as an act of defiance and in her bid to woo the Muslim vote bank that TMC now claims belongs to them.

Banglabook (rumoured to be actually a social media outfit of the disgraced and now battered CPM, who are always conspiring, along with the Maoists and Congress Party, to overthrow TMC) has posted some latest images from Dugga Ma’s recent photoshoot. Dugga Ma, along with Lokhkhi, Saraswati, Ganesh and Kartik, was initially photographed wearing Manish Malhotra lehengas and sherwanis and Sabyasachi saris and dhuti-panjabis, until Prakash Jha intervened and Dugga underwent a ‘revolutionary’ transformation. She now looked like a character from Jha’s upcoming and highly anticipated Chakravyuh, only with ten different firearms in her ten hands!

Further, Dugga Ma’s personal advisory board, aka the abovementioned triad, has called for an overhaul of the prayers recited during the pushpanjalis. The Sankrit shlokas are to be replaced by extracts from the Communist Manifesto, and writings of Lenin and Mao. Soumitra Chatterjee has also managed to squeeze his some of his Feluda dialogues from Jai Baba Felunath. And finally, the last words of the divine incantation, to be repeated thrice after every anjali, will be Mukul’s famous dialogue from Sonar Kella, “Dushtu Lok, Vanish!”

However, appearances are deceitful. It might seem that Dugga Ma is siding with the CPM, but that is not true. In fact, the terrific triad has already steered clear of the establishment, past and present. Extending sympathy to the ordinary cadres during pujo is one matter, hobnobbing with Buddha and his ilk is simply another. Dugga Ma has patently refused a meeting that was requested for by Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, and BB had arranged it to be live telecast (looks like BB has learnt a few tricks from Arvind Kerjriwal) at 5 pm on Mahashtami. But the two Sumans butted in and BB was jutted out.

Instead, implementing another lesson from Kejriwal, Dugga Ma has decided to float a political party of her own. She was about to call it Oktoberfest Party, paying tribute to Russian Revolution and the German beer festival (Dugga Ma is bhery bhery cosmopolitan you see, glug glug), but was talked out of the thing by the two whiskey-loving Sumans. Rani Mukherjee was invited to give her suggestions and she proposed ‘Wakda Party’ and ‘Aiyya Party’, both of which have been rejected by the uberchic and size zero Dugga Ma (“Rani has puppy fat: belly dance or no belly dance!” said the self-conscious and self-reflexive Dugga Ma, while trying out a Kareena Kapoor-Khan itsy-bitsy from Heroine.)

It is not clear when Dugga Ma will go public with her decision, but if sources close to Mahishashur (who’s eyeing an exit from Dugga Ma’s entourage and join TMC, the traitor!) are to be believed, it might be on Bijaya Dashami. Dugga Ma has jumped at the prospect of the symbolic reversal of fortune played out by the Dashami ritual: idol immersion followed by a resurrection from the dirty waters of Hooghly. The triad has agreed to this arrangement, reportedly. They think this might appeal to the Christians, who might find a Christ doppelganger in the resurrected Dugga Ma. Some had even suggested that the Dashami be postponed to Sunday to correspond with Easter Sunday, albeit that comes in April.

Meanwhile, Suman De has called for a cross-media campaign to champion Dugga Ma’s imminent political mukhebhaat. Viewers have been invited to send in their suggestions via ultra-costly SMS and phone services. Suggestions over the free emails are welcome, though those wouldn’t be read by humans, only Banglabots. Suggestions are already pouring in: Dugga Dugga Party, Communist Congress of India (Maoist), Durga Suman Sangha, Nirmool Congress, and the most bloodthirsty of all, Trinamool Nirbangsha Party.

Presently, Didi has not made her stand clear as to how she plans to counter the divine intervention from Dugga Ma. She’s treading familiar lines dubbing it a conspiracy by the CPM’s harmad bahini and a certain TV Channel. Ostensibly, Didi is keeping her cool, but if rumours are to be believed, she has been hurt by Dugga Ma’s blatant rejection of her party and her slogan. But the shard that pierced her heart was the goddess’ rebuke of her painting, “Ota bhishon gaaiyaa!” (It’s very uncouth!) (IPA Service)